Parenthood can feel like a whirlwind. I don’t know about you, but as a parent, I find myself constantly talking myself off the ledge of chaos. My seven-year-old daughter is a perfect storm of big emotions and high energy. Combine those two, and you’ve got pure pandemonium. So, how do we navigate these storms? While I can’t speak for every situation, I can share what’s worked for me, and why.
One rule I try to live by is simple, but powerful: stay calm. When it comes to interactions with children (or anyone, really), the energy you put out tends to come right back at you. If you’re upset and raising your voice, guess what’s likely to happen?
Yes, a screaming contest ensues with your child, and as we all know, there are no winners. Even if you do get the last word, it definitely doesn’t feel like a win.
Kids learn from their environment. If we’re yelling or reacting impulsively, it’s no surprise when they do the same. It’s important to remember that children, especially young ones, are still learning how to regulate their emotions. Honestly, many adults could use a little extra help in this area too!
The goal isn’t to suppress feelings but to manage how we express them. I tell my daughter that it’s okay to have big feelings, but they should never be directed at others. After she’s had the chance to vent, or calm down in her room, we can sit down and have a calm, rational conversation. This approach has been incredibly effective in helping her understand that her emotions are valid, but how she expresses them is just as important.
Another principle I live by is this: don’t expect more from your child than you expect from yourself. It’s easy to forget that kids are still learning how to navigate their emotions and behaviors, but often, we hold them to standards we don’t even uphold for ourselves.
We tell them things like, “Stop crying, or you’ll get in trouble” or “It’s not that big of a deal,” but imagine if someone said that to you as an adult. We are all just people, trying to figure out this big thing called life, whether you’re 6 or 60, you have the basic right to feel the way you feel.
Oftentimes, we tell our children how they should be acting based on what’s most convenient for us as adults, rather than understanding that their emotions are just as real and important as ours. When we expect kids to “just get over it” or “calm down,” we are dismissing how they are perceiving the world, and invalidating their feelings, all while missing moments of connection and healthy growth.
Finally, one piece of advice I’ll share is this: always explain the “why” behind your actions whenever possible. “Because I said so” is not a valid explanation for a child: frankly, it’s not a good enough answer for adults either. When children don’t understand why something is happening, they’re more likely to repeat the behavior. By explaining the reason behind the rule or request, you give them the tools to make better decisions in the future.
For example, instead of simply telling my daughter “no” when she asks for something, I try to explain why it’s not a good idea. She may not always like the answer, but at least she understands it. There are so many teaching opportunities to be real and honest with children that are missed way too often. Sometimes we feel like they won’t understand the explanation, other times we don’t feel like we owe it to the child to warrant a reason. Some situations or decisions, they may not understand, but trust me, somewhere in that little sponge brain, they appreciate it, and it teaches them to be more mindful and open of the developing relationships in their lives and how to navigate them in a healthy way.
Parenting is a work in progress, and each day brings its own set of challenges. But by staying calm, upholding expectations personally, and explaining our actions, we create an environment where our children can learn how to manage their own emotions and behavior in a healthy, positive way. By cultivating this nurturing, honest environment, we are on a path to raising considerate, caring and honest little future adults, that will flourish in positivity and empathy, securing a brighter future for us all.
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